my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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