The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
