we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
