I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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