Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
