that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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