I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
