Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
