my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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