You smell like stripper and shame
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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