please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Girls should come with a carfax report
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
