next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
