The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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