i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
