god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
