Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
