sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
