i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
