Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
