Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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