If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
