I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
