I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
