Only a mothe r could love this liver
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
