You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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