fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Randomize
