Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
