apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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