wanna go halves on a baby?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
