What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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