You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well I just put wine in my tea
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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