Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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