some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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