Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
