He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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