i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
