Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
