I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
It was confusing and full of hummus
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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