im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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