so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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