you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
