you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Randomize
