Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
