i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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