my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
