Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I think im going to throw up on grandma
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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