She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
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i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
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Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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