Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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