Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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