You really coming over, don't trick.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
