this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
