she was so not down for the gang bang
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
