I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
