I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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