is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
