ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
