Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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