If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
her facebook's as public as her vagina
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
