FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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