Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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