Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
i dont own pink underwear
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week