Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.